“Just spread them open and shove your face in there.”
– How to put on glasses.
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Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Fairies dart around the room to collect eraser shavings of mistakes you’ve made from the day. “I can’t carry anymore”, complains one. “How can this all be from ONE person?!” cries another, sweating profusely.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re all dead Linda
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
Mood.. 😂
girl at restaurant: “Are you Tony Hawk?” me: “Yes.” her: “Why?” I had no idea how to answer.
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
‘How many lights do you wanton?”
“It’s too bright, can you dimsum?”
~ Chinese chefs setting the mood.
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
[Gender reveal party]
Me: I don’t get it. Are they having a Smurf?
Wife: Shutup and eat your cake.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
Believe me, I looked.
But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!