Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
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Words are fun. A “bat” can be a piece of sports equipment or an animal. A “spirit” can be a ghost or a beverage. A “content” creator can be someone who creates videos or who walks around screaming all of the time.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
I have the ‘Luck of the Irish!’ Unfortunately it’s the ‘Great Potato Famine’ era ‘Luck of the Irish’.
[at the drug store]
Employee: May I help you, sir?
Me (nervously): YEAH, I’M LOOKING FOR SOMETHING CALLED A “CHILL PILL”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Wanna feel old? Helium formed for the first time 13.8 billions years ago.
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
Through repetition and sheer will I’ve mastered gracefully falling on my head
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
If every human in the world jumps off a mountain we’ll probably eventually evolve to fly.
An HGTV show where they help new college graduates decorate their apartment with furniture found exclusively on the side of the road
“Іs that a ripped up shirt in your hair?”
Іt’s called a SCRUNCHIE dad. 🙄
Took my car to the mechanic because it was making a terrible noise… Turns out it was just a Pitbull song on the radio.
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Instead of the little blue bird Twitter should have used a rooster for it’s emblem.
What could represent this place better than a creature that starts screaming every time a new day begins?
From now on when a friend says she’s on her way I’m asking her to drop a pin
Me: Almost time to sign about us All Hanging Signs.
Her: Um, you mean Auld Lang Syne?
Me: Well, this is embarrassing. I mean, you should learn the words if you’re going to sing it babe.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
me: point taken lol
guy stabbing me: yeah see that right there is why this is happening
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Carries bucket and fishing rod and drills hole in the ice.
Voice: There is no fish here!
Me: Wow, is that God?
V: No, the arena director.
fireman: where is fire
me: in my heart, i love y-
fireman: [pulls out firehose] brace yourself this is gonna hurt