[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
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My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
True statement👍😏😁
I put a complaint box in the break room… everyone thinks HR put it there… now I know all the crap people are saying about me…
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Me: there’s nothing I wouldn’t do for my child. I would walk through the fires of hell and back for him
Son: can we go to the park?
Me: no, it’s raining a little bit
i like the aisle seat on a flight because it gives me power over the other two people next to me. you wanna go to the bathroom? need to grab something from your bag in the overhead? better ask my permission. i’m the king of row 37 bud
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
me: wanna do something fun?
her: already have plans
me: *watching her wax her legs and pluck her eyebrows* our idea of fun is very different
Me: Why the fake mustache and hat?
Wife: Your text.
M: Huh?
W: It said you wanted to try some “Burt stuff”.
M: Um, Honey-
W: Call me Bandit.
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
My wife has literally everything in her purse. Today I needed tissues, a hammer, peanut butter and dice and she had 2 of each.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
fair
Autocorrect changed ‘strip’ to ‘syrup’, and honestly, I don’t know which club I prefer.
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
*put cooked chicken in oven*
*offer to cook date dinner*
*put raw chicken in oven*
*immediately pull out cooked chicken*
*keep eye contact*