My husband listens to me like he doesn’t realize there’s going to be a quiz later.
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rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
“Oh shit, I’m supposed to go find them…”
Who?
“The kids. We were playing hide and seek.”
-my husband, about 20 minutes into a conversation he and I were having
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
one thing that has not changed at all from childhood to adulthood is how worried you need to be when your mother is addressing you by your full name
Text to Hubs:
If it’s not too much trouble can you get me a bottle of wine and a fuzzy blanket?Hubs:
You’re literally sitting next to me.
I just hope the crabs and the adderall aren’t in the same place
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
My lady husky is mad I won’t feed her early so she just maintained eye contact with me and started chewing the corner of the brand new dining table.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Them: ‘It’s a long story.’
Me: ‘How does it end?’
Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
cicadas cotton eyed joe
🤝
where did they come from?
where did they go????
last time I passed out on a Saturday night was when I sprayed too much bleach cleaner on the tub & forgot to open a window
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.