Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tups13's best tweets

@Tups13 : Sex? When I saw you lying naked on the bed surrounded by candles I assumed you were performing a satanic ritual. What, I'm a mindreader now?

@Tups13: If the Bee Gees get spooked, do they become the Heebie Jeebie Bee Gees?

@Tups13: Her: You know what turns me on? Adventurers who survive adversity.
Me: Once I got lost inside my duvet cover and thought I was going to die.

@Tups13: When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.

@Tups13: No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@Tups13: As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@Tups13: There's no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@Tups13: I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.

@Tups13: The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.

@Tups13: Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!