Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tups13's best tweets

@Tups13 : When people tell me to get my act together I have to explain that this is not an act, I really am this incompetent.

@Tups13: No strings attached relationships are all fun and games until you fall for a guitar. Or a marionette. Or a yo-yo.

@Tups13: As a cat burglar most of my late night break-ins are actually well orchestrated attempts to pet other peoples animals.

@Tups13: There's no use crying over spilt milk. Particularly skimmed milk. Skimmed milk is watery enough without you sobbing into it.

@Tups13: I hate when I think of a great tweet and discover someone did it already. It's like that time I invented the wheelbarrow.

@Tups13: The laminator is a device that sounds a lot more dangerous to baby sheep than it actually is.

@Tups13: Don't hesitate when you come to a fork in the road. Be bold. Pick that fork up and take it home. Free cutlery!

@Tups13: Wait. What? You need two people for sex? What does the other one do?

@Tups13: Would the Government cope in a zombie apocalypse? Vacant, horrible, disoriented people stumbling around without purpose. Plus the zombies.

@Tups13: I stare at the cats.
"And in space, if you knock something slowly off the table, it just gently floats away."
They look at me in horror.