I was probably the first choice of the person who texted me, “Wanna go to a concert in 40 minutes?!”
You Might Also Like
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
someone mentioned that the divorce rate is around 50% which is terrifying, cause the idea that I still have a 50% chance of being stuck with the same person forever scares the shit out of me
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
JUDGE: the charge is murder, how do you plead
VIDEO: not guilty
FAMILY OF RADIO STAR: this is bullshit
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.
Him: I like you a lot.
Her: Meh.Him: I’ve found someone else.
Her: I’m bat shit crazy restraining order status in love with you now
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I thought I found a baby owl today that needed help. He was an adult pigmy owl who let me pick him up then clawed and bit me. He is free now
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
I saw a silver squirrel running up a tree while walking my dog today, so you know what that means…
Nothing. It means absolutely nothing.
Indie bands are always like “we recorded this album at an abandoned spaghetti factory in Providence, Rhode Island.” Why? Why’d you do that? There are recording studios with couches and electricity
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
I don’t think it’s real blood, it looks like red paint
-my kid, examining the plastic ax that came with his Halloween costume
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
When I was a kid I could fall asleep literally anywhere, wake up, and be good to go. Now if I sleep on a mattress that’s slightly too soft I can’t walk for three days
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.