Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of Tw1tter_K1tten's best tweets

@Tw1tter_K1tten : My whole life is like when you're talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: I bet cats are sad that they don't have a middle finger.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: It's weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn't show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Sent my husband to work with leftovers from dinner last night. His co-workers are going to be so jealous of his bowl of cereal.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like "Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?"

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn't give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.

@Tw1tter_K1tten: Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.