Hamburger Hinderer.
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Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel
MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat’s demands and now he has more.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
10-year old son: How’s it been being a political scientist with all this political stuff going on?
Me: [Stares blankly into the distance.]
I swear I’d chuck this phone off a bridge if I didn’t know I’d chase after it.
Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Me: runs for 2 mins
My heart: if you don’t stop, I will.
three years of jiu-jitsu and I still can’t get out of my wife’s hugs
I have no idea how people meet at the gym. I turn into a disgusting, angry swamp witch anytime I exercise.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Him: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) screen the applicants.
Me: I’d be happy to (using finger quotes) testify in the harassment suit.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
A woman asked me if I’d be having any more kids. When I said no she said “you can’t have just one!” and I told her she was thinking of potato chips.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
“Go ahead, caller….”
“Mom, you have to stop answering your phone that way.”
me: it’s the basis for all life on earth if you take my point so technically any form of romance is carbon dating
archaeologist: how did you find me?