What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
You Might Also Like
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
Me: When the edibles kick in
Everyone: You forgot to attach a picture or a gif
Me: Exactly
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
the 80s were wild man, you had bands naming themselves after predatory cats with hearing problems
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
women’s shower products be like “lock in moisture” and “rejuvenate pores,” while men’s are all “smell like hammer, you idiot”
It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.
My new favorite headline
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S01E01: so i guess these guys do business or something?
ME WATCHING SUCCESSION S02E10: roman’s bid to secure private funding would have won the proxy war but ultimately the capital wasn’t reliable enough to prevent the firm from h
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
When I worked at Olive Garden I once had a man get really mad at me because the red sauce was made with tomatoes and that’s basically what it’s like having kids
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Mornin
Im an adult and still don’t play by the rules *pretends to take long drag from chocolate cigarette*
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
[me trying to sell my personal information on the dark web]
For a dollar I’ll tell you how much cheese I eat.
Gonna tell my kids this is how game of thrones ended
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?