Clock: oh shit, I am
Me: looks like the clock’s a bit fast
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Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
*drops my 13 year-old daughter off at a friend’s house*
*picks her up when she turns 20*
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Any time a child tries to guess my age.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
A universal unit of measurement is especially helpful in the squid world where you can enjoy tentacle-long hotdogs, chicken tentacle soup, pickled pig’s tentacles and the kids favorite fruit by the tentacle.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
Told my husband I was going hiking with our 10yo and he replied “If you don’t survive, who gets all your books?” when he knows very well the correct response was “Who are you and what have you done with my wife?”
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
My husband let me sleep in late and then made me pancakes.
Someone please let Dateline know my death was absolutely premeditated.
30 seconds staring confused at the calculator app before realizing why my phone wasn’t calling the number I dialed.
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
“Honey?! What did you feed him? His poop is huge … and green!”
[the first of many struggles that Bruce Banner’s parents faced]
Genie: 1st wish
ME: I wish for a pen
G: #2
M: another pen
G: wtf
M: I already lost the 1st pen
G: and ur 3rd
M: ur not going to believe this
Good things come to those who don’t make mommy lose her shit.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
my therapist gave me her cell phone number.
and I’m supposed to be the crazy one.