waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
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ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
I always get self conscious buying toilet paper like some high schooler is gonna take a picture of me and post it online with the caption “lmao this dude poops”
Girls want a bad boy to fix.
Boys want a good girl to corrupt.
Me? I just want a rumbustious monkey as a butler.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
Soulmate sounds like something Satan puts in his coffee.
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
🍛
Dear Diary, someone’s sent me a podcast recommendation again.
hey friend,
the list of things you texted me that you’d do for a Klondike bar has me concernedlet’s talk
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD
*reads online that you should befriend your coworkers with some water cooler talk*
ME (to coworker): So, are you into water coolers?
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
On the one hand, I want to exercise and take care of myself. On the other hand, it’s just more years of living on a planet full of morons.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
My family takes turns with who hosts Thanksgiving each year. When it was my cousin’s first time to host, she put the turkey in the oven, but forgot to turn the oven on. She was taken out of the hosting rotation. Brilliant.
Filing dill pickle chips under “double vegetable”.
8’s school reopens on Monday for the first time in nearly 3 months. They’ve given different drop-off times to avoid large crowds and ours is 20 minutes earlier than usual but joke’s on them I dropped him there last Tuesday