VHS tapes used to be like: “FBI WARNING if you make a copy of this tape we will hunt you down and KILL you. Now please enjoy this special presentation of Walt Disney’s Flubber”
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my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
“She is not fine.”
~Sun Tzu
I apparently said “keratin” instead of “ketamine” when discussing treatment options with my psychiatrist, so the bad news is that I remain a terminal depressive, but wow, my frizz is really well controlled.
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
no cat here
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
You would think that if the wife left clean dishes in one side of the sink it would be okay for you to leave dirty dishes in the other side of the sink. You would think…
Message from the dog groomers
Barber: “How would you like your hair cut, sir?”
Me: “With scissors.”
Barber: “Very good, sir.”
*puts samurai sword down*
Shout out to the top 5 lists in the world, naughty, check, bronze meda, Your Kiss is on My, and Craig’s.
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Some baby on this plane is singing the ABCs all out of order and a guy just shouted “yes girl remix!!”
If there’s one thing that makes me want to throw up, it’s a dartboard on the ceiling.
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Me [double-clicking a word to select it]
Microsoft Word: are you trying to select this entire sentence?
Me: no, just the one word
Microsoft Word: ok are you trying to select the entire paragraph?
Me: no, just that word…
Microsoft Word: ok I’ll just delete this entire page
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
“I can’t do any of this? This is some bullshit.”
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
When my new neighbor dies, I’m going to hire the same tree removal service he has outside my window right now to work during his burial.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.