Cop: I clocked you going 90 in a 45. What’s the rush?
Me: [embarrassed to admit I’m just really excited to watch the new season of The Great British Baking Show on Netflix] I HAVE A GENERAL DISREGARD FOR THE LAW PIG MAN
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If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Get in loser, we are going dumpster diving.
Every country has a wafer cookie, and every country thinks they invented it
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Doctor: does mental illness run in your family?
Me: I do have an aunt that’s a morning person.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
#merica
the banana is probably the most versatile fruit – can’t think of another fruit that can also be used as a gun, boomerang, or phone
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
10’s homework question: “Which appliance in your home do you think is the most useful?”
His answer: “My mom.”
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
*captain over the PA*:
and if you look out your window to the left, you’ll see Jerry, who is no longer my best friend, and deserves this.
My wife has close friends whose husbands are notably worse than me and I highly recommend this arrangement
I use the phrase “when I win the lottery” a lot for someone who never buys any lottery tickets.
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
Friend: compliment her eyelashes, girls like that
[later]
Me: you have nice eyeball hair
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Me, sick: *filling up my Vicks humidifier*
Him: Is that… Are you filling that with vodka?
Me: Who are you my doctor? VAPOR IS VAPOR
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
[campfire]
Me: (flashlight to face) “af” didn’t exist.
Millennials: (gasp)
Me: We had to use “adverbs.”
(one faints)
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD