Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
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8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
“I hate hashtags!” Dad screams as he smashes his #1 Dad coffee mug against a wall.
TOUGH GUY: *pointing to his arm* I got this scar saving a child from a burning building.
ME: *pointing to my face* I got this one bobbing for pineapples.
My son got mad unfollowed me… I disconnected his phone.
-I win
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
“Ostriches can’t fly” said the totally racist stewardess who made me dismount my ostrich & board the plane on foot like a lowly commoner
[Walking around park with kid]
Daughter: Daddy, why is grass green?
Me: Because God wants to remind me every place I go I have no money
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
They should make engagement ring boxes that whisper “Dont do it” when you open them.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
‘Dances with Wolves’…
But it’s just me, running around my backyard with an uncooked steak, screaming, while the neighborhood dogs bark.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
[The inventor of biscotti]
This coffee would be so much better with a crouton
My wife finally got a “Brazilian”.
He seems nice.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
[science fair]
Kid: I made a volcano!
Judge: *trampling children* EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF!
Him: Is that a horse drawn carriage?
Her: I can’t quite tell
Horse: *sobbing* Well you try holding a pencil with your hooves
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
Kid: Have you seen the pine cone bird feeder I made?
Me: *picking seeds out from between my teeth* BIRD feeder?
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
Jesus: … when you saw only one set of footprints, that’s when I was carrying you.
Me: What about that spot with lots of footprints?
Jesus: I didn’t want to alarm you, but I did also fight some ninjas who were stalking us.