How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
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For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
Whenever I mess up an experiment I just think of what a pigeon considers a successful nest
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Do we want 2020 to turn 21 and be able to drink?
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Who called it ‘my foot’s asleep’ and not ‘comatoes’
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
Me too, tin of tuna. Me too.
My very high friend said “Imagine if cats got really big” and I said “Like tigers?” and he got very quiet.
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
sure, I’m hype for tekken because video game but I’m also here for the soundtrack
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
It wasn’t a crisis until my mother heard about it.
After months of trying, I finally have a runner’s body. His shoes too. Also a really nice pair of headphones & his Fitbit. He was in shape.
Dear neighbors, I am not killing my child. I’m washing her hair. Only she sees it the other way.
My daughter said she got caught zoning out when her friends asked her a question so to look engaged she just made up an answer and I’m so proud she’s the Dad of her 6th grade crew.
Me: Can I get that to go?
Priest: That’s not how communion works
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Sometimes I think I’d do great during a zombie apocalypse. Then I remember that week I went without a microwave and how much I cried.
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.