I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
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So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
[Looks up from Rubik’s Cube] It’s two thousand and what now??
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
I was feeling depressed, then saw a guy with one arm and thought “oh man, I could be getting so much more sympathy if I was missing an arm!”
On a dare, my son sprayed deodorant in his mouth. Now he speaks with an Axe scent.
Here’s a list of all the things my toddler doesn’t fight me on:
Dear dinosaur naming people,
Parasaurolophus and Elasmosaurus could’ve been named Frank and Joe.
Sincerely,
The parents of small children
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
*i put two straws in my drink*
gf: awhh 🙂
me: hell ya double barrel
*i use both straws*
This is my brand.
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
girlfriend: I’m seeing someone behind your back
me: *believes in ghosts* is it my grandpa
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
For my new tattoo, I’m totally getting a chest piece of a chess piece, cause its fun to be a pun.
Doctor: and you’re exercising regularly?
Me: actually when I do it, it’s pretty weirdly
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …
Me: I don’t think this YouTube video is appropriate.
5-year-old: If you’re scared, I can watch by myself.
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there