Her: How’d you get those weird scars on your arm?
*remembers wrestling kid for last piece of birthday cake & getting sporked*
Rattle snake
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GUY WHO INVENTED CELEBRATING BIRTHDAYS: *is born* Ok wow like what an accomplishment
MOTHER: For me?
GUY: N- HELL no. For me. Please shut up
a fool and his money are hey new iphone
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
Thanks for telling me your astrological sign, cause now I know a lot about your personality. Like you are a gullible dummy.
Welcome to working from home. Something is now always being sawed, mowed, or jackhammered at your neighbor’s house.
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
*walks into starbucks*
Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!!
*has choice of any table*
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
cats when you pet them too long:
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”
Protip: Never underestimate the number of sticky notes on your desk when trying to appear busy at work.
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
My face is very symmetrical…over the x-axis 🙁
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
Parents who are afraid that giving teenagers condoms will just ensure they have sex to use them have obviously never owned a bread maker.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for long but *gets down on one knee* Will you marry me?
Priest: Actually I’m here to marry you AND your fiancé now get up people are staring
Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
6: why do we bury dead people and animals but not plants?
Me: um…
6: when plants die can they be ghosts?
Me: I hope not. Otherwise our house is very haunted.
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.