*being abducted by aliens*
Hey thanks guys it was getting pretty rough down there. What we got goin’ on, snack-wise?
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4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
HEY PIGS STOP TRYING TO SWALLOW ENTIRE APPLES YOU KEEP DYING
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
I have obtained a hat
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
All I’m saying is Stacy’s mom probably has an Only Fans now…
My run for political office would be short but filled with food eating competitions.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
If you cross me again I’m gonna unleash hellfire* on you.
*own you in an imaginary argument in my head next time I shower
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
Got fired by the DMV for giving Stuart Little his driver’s license
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
Sponch
7: Can I have a play date with Sally? She’s fun.
Me: Sure, but you know Mommy is the only girlfriend you can ever have, right?
Husband, walking by: Yeah, he’ll end up normal.
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
Awww it’s cute how your baby pulls my hair. Like she doesn’t realise I will pull hers right back.
Always leave them wanting their money back.
13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit