I need a bathtub filled with chicken nuggets.
No time for questions.
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a cool way to answer the phone is “dracula?” and when they tell you who is actually calling you say “okay phew”
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Just once I want to wake up to something exciting.
*Wakes up next to spider crawling on pillow.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Our dog jumped on my phone while I was checking Outlook and deleted an entire folder of work emails, so I’ve hired her as my personal assistant
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
Unlike in Westworld, “freeze all motor functions” does not stop my 3yo from trying to wash my phone in the toilet.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.