“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
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*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
🤣✨#caturday
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
If people love cheese so much, why are they mad when someone smells like cheese.
[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
There’s nothing to stop you from whispering “I’m in!” like a hacker when you enter your own email password.
Sweaters don’t sweat.
Jumpers don’t jump.
And knickers don’t knick.
-Just a few of the reasons that keep me up at night
If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
I ordered botox instead of a bowflex and you can’t tell but I’m mad
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation