[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
You Might Also Like
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
me making someone eat a chip with my mind
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
I told my wife she was packing the suitcase wrong so guess who has to put his vacation clothes in grocery bags now.
Empty out and clean a mace container.
Fill with water
Stare into the eyes of your enemies as you spray your own eyes and never blink
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
If you’re going to text your boss that you’re an hour late, make sure you end with “I’m bringing you a ham and cheese croissant.”
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Me: Can I get you a drink?
Her: I don’t know. Can you?
Me: *checking wallet* No.
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[funeral]
WIDOW: i—i just cant believe he’s gone
ME: hey [putting my hand on her shoulder] u parked ur car directly behind mine so im stuck