My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
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What was the point in making your car louder, bro?
Do you really want women to turn their heads and notice you drive a 1999 Honda Civic?
Creature from outer space tries to elude financial officer who wants his money back.
– Alien Vs Creditor.
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
Done with dating sites. I’m now focusing on pizza delivery guys because at least I know they have a job, a car, and pizza.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
In Good Will Hunting, Ben Affleck goes to Matt Damon’s house every day but secretly hopes he isn’t there. I have a similar thing with one of my friends. Whenever I go to his house, I secretly hope Matt Damon isn’t there.
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Cat: I want attention.
Me: *pets cat*
Cat: the f*** you think you’re doing??
If one more teenager calls me ‘mam,’ I’m gonna
…probably let them carry my groceries because I’m old and life’s hard.
I hate when the dentist is like “go rinse”… Nah bro. This is all you today. figure it out
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!