I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
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Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
[planning heist]
LEADER: we can kill the alarm, but how do we get through the concrete wall?
*everyone turns to look at the kool-aid man*
Still my favourite meme.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
Started raining WHILE I was in the car wash. Like..
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
ur macbook about to start asking if you want update now, tonight or when the 2nd wave hits
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Non-tweeting friend: “So it’s like FB?”
Me: “Except everyone’s mean & sarcastic & brutally honest.”
“Sounds awf…”
“Awesome. I know.”
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
teen drug use & sex are down this year which proves that teens are boring
My Jehovahs Witness coworker got mad when I started calling him the “Knock-topus” after he spilled ink all over his shirt
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
I’m like the reverse Goldilocks. I’d lay on a bed of nails and be like, “No, no, this is fine.”
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
And by noon on the 7th day, God said these kids need some iPads.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??
[in the bedroom]
Husband: Close your eyes. I’m going to do something you’re really going to enjoy.
Me: Okay.
H: *takes the kids and leaves for the day*
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
I share an office thermostat with a middle aged woman. I’m in a t-shirt while she’s rubbing 2 pencils together trying to start a trash fire