What I really need to know is what exactly is a marie kondo, and can I eat one?
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[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
My friend offered me a free pole dance class. I said no. With my debt, the last thing I need to find out is that I’m great at pole dancing.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
My cat just showed it’s holiday spirit by pooping tinsel.
I switched from coffee to orange juice and told my doctor I felt better. He said it’s the vitamin C and natural sugars but I think it’s the vodka
Walked past a group of cats that meowed at me so I meowed back. They stopped meowing and now I’m worried I said something homeowphobic
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
Husband: Where is the candy?
Me: What candy?
Husband: The Easter candy.
Me: *stuffing Peeps in my ears as earplugs* I’m going to bed- you need to figure this out.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
started a fight with my boyfriend because we were watching moulin rouge together and i asked him if he would kiss me if i contracted tuberculosis and he hesitated for 5 seconds
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Fake rifles that just have a ‘bang’ flag come out are called JK-47s
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Guy at the Apple store suggested I turn off my phone once a week, so I slapped his face and ran out of the store crying.
When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.
Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
Student Teacher: okay class, who knows what an oxymoron is
Kid: you’re an oxymoron
Student Teacher: well yes technically that is correct