[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
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*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
I take my pants off like everyone else. Getting tangled in one pant leg, stepping on the other, tipping over & hitting my face on the door.
They say genius skips a generation.In our case it fell off our family tree and died.
The body is 70% water..
So cool, you’re not fat you’re just flooded..
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
We buried my grandmother, yesterday.
She wasn’t very happy about it, but it was time.
First Dates are like seeing a new doctor for the first time. How much do you want to tell them before you sound crazy.
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
ed and stede become pen pals when ed sends this to newly divorced and moved out stede
Her: Wtf? I thought I asked you to vacuum?…look at all this dog hair in the corner???
Me: No…Don’t touch it! (whispers) I hid one of the eggs under there.
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Parenthood is so weird. I don’t know why I say thank you to my 3yo every time she gives me her booger.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
I don’t think this is talked about enough but Airbnbs have led to there being too many cushions in the world.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
the votes are coming from… inside the country!!!
The guy who drills the holes so you can assemble IKEA furniture is clearly having problems at home.
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
I RECEIVED AN EMAIL ALERTING ME TO “HOLIDAY TREATS” IN THE OFFICE KITCHEN AND THERE ARE FOUR ORANGES AND SOME DRIED FIGS I’M SUING