Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : Wildflowers are just regular flowers that go clubbing until 4 a.m. and snort coke off of each other's tramp stamps.

@UnFitz: Her: I've never had a piercing.
Me: Guess we're not counting your voice?

@UnFitz: Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?

@UnFitz: I think Jesus came up with that whole virgin birth story. No one wants to picture their parents doing it.

@UnFitz: Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?

@UnFitz: [sloth wedding]

“I”

[six months later]

“do.”

@UnFitz: Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you're allergic to half the items on the menu.

@UnFitz: Her: Just relax and be yourself.
Me: No, you're going to have to pick one or the other.

@UnFitz: [first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I'm a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.

@UnFitz: Her: You secretly think you're smarter than everyone else, don't you.
Me: Secretly? No.