@UnFitz: Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.

@UnFitz: Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”

@UnFitz: Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”

@UnFitz: Hey, my eyes are up here.

Nope. Higher.

- snails, probably

@UnFitz: Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.

Me: Secretly? No.

@UnFitz: Pro tip:

Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.

@UnFitz: The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.

Bartender: I see bread people.

@UnFitz: *ironically creates weapon from olive branch*

@UnFitz: Me: Let me stay over. I'll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah