@UnFitz: *puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

@UnFitz: Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.

@UnFitz: Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.

@UnFitz: 7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I'm glad this isn't a gambling addiction.

@UnFitz: God: They shall remember your journey and your sacrifice.

Jesus: Thank you, father.

God: There shall be a bunny.

Jesus:

God: And chocolate eggs.

Jesus: But-

God: Shhhh. I’m enjoying my new creation, marijuana. Don’t harsh my mellow.

@UnFitz: [horse walks into a bar]
Bartender: Why the long face?
H: The world is spiraling down the crapper.
BT: You're supposed to say-
H: Just pour.

@UnFitz: “You can do better than that.”

- people who don’t know me all that well

@UnFitz: I've got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One's just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.

@UnFitz: "Please hold. Your call is important to us."

*writes novel*
*gets medical degree*
*walks from coast to coast*

"Please continue to hold..."