@UnFitz : If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
@UnFitz: Groundhog is like regular hog except it’s easier to make burgers out of it.
@UnFitz: Stop pronouncing it “Caribbean.” Everyone knows it’s “Caribbean.”
@UnFitz: Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
@UnFitz: Hey, my eyes are up here.
- snails, probably
@UnFitz: Her: You secretly think your taste in music is superior to everyone else’s.
Me: Secretly? No.
@UnFitz: Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
@UnFitz: The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
@UnFitz: *ironically creates weapon from olive branch*
@UnFitz: Me: Let me stay over. I'll burn you breakfast in the morning.
Her: You mean BRING me breakfast.
Me: *pulls battery from smoke alarm* Yeah