Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UnFitz's best tweets

@UnFitz : [at the playground] “Welcome to Swingers Club. Sorry if you thought this was about spouse-swapping. Now who wants to give me a push?”

@UnFitz: The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.

@UnFitz: It's a gaggle of geese, a murder of crows, a pod of whales and a thrift store of hipsters.

@UnFitz: Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.

@UnFitz: Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.

Unless you want to win.

@UnFitz: I'm a people person.

Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.

I'm a pizza person.

@UnFitz: The pillow is my all-time favorite soft, fluffy, comfortable murder weapon.

@UnFitz: “Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.

@UnFitz: In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.

@UnFitz: Batgirl: I have a riddle for you, Riddler.

Riddler: Oh?

B: Notice anything different about me?

R:

R: *jumps to his death from 46th-floor window*