If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
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*gets left on read*
my brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itme: “it was fun while it lasted”
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
[1 of 4 car accidents caused by texting & driving]
PEOPLE: won’t be me
[1 in 292 million chance of winning powerball]
PEOPLE: you never know
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
ME: It’s quite interesting really. You see, “gym” comes from the greek “gymnós” meaning “naked”
YMCA ATTENDANT: Yeah, you’re going to need to put on some pants
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
I always carry a knife w me in case i run into someone w 10,000 spoons.
Every one hides their keys under a rock, it’s way too obvious folks.
Instead, try hiding it somewhere no one will ever expect, like in an active wasp nest or in your dogs mouth.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Me: Just call me loaded fries!
Friend: Haha I get it, because you’re hot and tasty right? 😉
Me: *quickly wiping grease off of myself* …sure.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works