Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”

@UncleDuke1969: MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.

MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that... and, pull up your damn pants.

@UncleDuke1969: BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.

@UncleDuke1969: [runs into old friend]

FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*

@UncleDuke1969: [murder scene]

DETECTIVE: Let's run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who's the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.

@UncleDuke1969: [sets up grandfather's first computer]

ME: Okay, Grandpa... Just call me if you have any questions or problems.

[phone rings one hour later]

ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I'm pregnant.

@UncleDuke1969: [book store]

ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*

CLERK: What is that?

ME: "Origami for Dummies." I want to return it.

@UncleDuke1969: me: these edibles aren't doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time

@UncleDuke1969: Why is it called a "prison compound" and not a "guilt complex"?

@UncleDuke1969: I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.