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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.

@UncleDuke1969: When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to "Is that what you're wearing?"

@UncleDuke1969: My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.

@UncleDuke1969: ME: You wanna redeem your anniversary present?
WIFE: The “One Free Naughty Massage” coupon?
ME: Yup. *winks*
WIFE: Sorry, I re-gifted it.
ME: You what? To who?
WIFE: I forgot someone’s birthday, and I panicked.
ME: TO WHO?!?
WIFE: You may get a weird call from my mom.

@UncleDuke1969: Black Mirror S05E01

January 20, 2021:

[fade in on TV set]

President-elect Kanye walks onstage, nods to V.P. Kanye, and places hand on a Bible held by Judge Kanye.

[cut to]

Kanye, arm around Kanye, turns off TV, tosses remote, and leans over to pet Kanye, who wags his tail.

@UncleDuke1969: [job interview]

HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on...
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on...
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?

@UncleDuke1969: [bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

@UncleDuke1969: My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.

@UncleDuke1969: Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.

@UncleDuke1969: [friend’s house]

ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?

FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.