Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : FRIEND: Nice old house. Is it haunted? ME: Yup. FRIEND: Really? By who? WIFE: [from kitchen] YOU LOADED THE DISHWASHER WRONG. ME: The ghost of my mother.

@UncleDuke1969: Son: What're the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin' to market.
S: Why 3 of 'em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m'goats.

@UncleDuke1969: It’s probably really hard for them to carry their backpacks.

@UncleDuke1969: *Batman voice*
"I'm Batman."

*Wife voice*
"Go empty the dishwasher, Batman."

@UncleDuke1969: "You called about a break-in?"
"I did."
"Anything stolen?"
"Just some food."
"Anything else?"
"She messed up the furniture."
"Blonde girl. Jumped out the window."

@UncleDuke1969: It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.

@UncleDuke1969: [job interview]

Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?

Me: No.

Him: What’s your salary requirement?

Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.

@UncleDuke1969: COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I'm Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I'm Batman.
COP: I'm not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I'm Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.

@UncleDuke1969: HER: ”So, what should I do now?”
DOCTOR: “Inform your partner.”
HER: “I don’t know if I can face him.”
DOCTOR: “You can write him a note.”
HER: “That’s a great idea!”

@UncleDuke1969: Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.