@UncleDuke1969: Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
@UncleDuke1969: [first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
ME: Okay, where's the banana?
@UncleDuke1969: ME: *dies*
DEATH: Welcome to the afterlife.
ME: How do I get to Heaven?
DEATH: *points* Go up those stairs.
ME: What about Hell?
DEATH: *points* Go down those stairs.
ME: And Limbo?
DEATH: *points* Just duck under that bar.
@UncleDuke1969: HER: Talk dirty to me.
ME: I don't want to.
ME: No, I'm bad at it.
HER: I'm sure you're not.
ME: I really am.
HER: Just try.
ME: *whispers in her ear*
HER: Yeah, never do that again.
@UncleDuke1969: Motel 6: We’ll leave the light on for you.
Motel 6’s Dad: What am I, made of money?
@UncleDuke1969: I'm not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
@UncleDuke1969: ME: I'm seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.