Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : Mary brought in donuts. Jim took the only Boston Cream. Jim knows those are my favorites. I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee. I pulled the fire alarm. We are on the 39th floor. Jim should learn to be more considerate.

@UncleDuke1969: *wakes up*
*looks at clock*

7:42 am

*gets out of bed*
*remembers it's Saturday*
*smiles*
*lies back down*

Dog: "Oh good, you're up!"

@UncleDuke1969: My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.

@UncleDuke1969: Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?

@UncleDuke1969: He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!

Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.

The infamous "Pet Shop Burglar" had a good day.

@UncleDuke1969: Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Me: Yes.
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.

@UncleDuke1969: The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.