@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma?
Me: My wife.
Waitress: I am SO sorry.
Grandma: Nice one. High five!
@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
@UncleDuke1969: (Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: I’m thinking.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: He’s starting to stir!
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
@UncleDuke1969: "If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you."
Liam Neeson returns in...
TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED
@UncleDuke1969: Me: Read this tweet.
Me: Is it racist?
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Me: *deletes tweet*