@UncleDuke1969: My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.
@UncleDuke1969: Me: I read this great article today.
Wife: About what?
Me: The effects of aging on the brain.
Wife: Cool. Send me a link.
Me: To what?
@UncleDuke1969: He pulled a rabbit out of his hat!
Also, a gerbil from his pants & a kitten from his coat.
The infamous "Pet Shop Burglar" had a good day.
@UncleDuke1969: Psychiatrist: You saw a doctor before me?
Psychiatrist: What was their diagnosis?
Me: ᵐᵘˡᵗⁱᵖˡᵉ ᵖᵉʳˢᵒⁿᵃˡⁱᵗʸ ᵈⁱˢᵒʳᵈᵉʳ
Psychiatrist: Excuse me?
Me: HE SAID MULTIPLE PERSONALITY DISORDER.
@UncleDuke1969: The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
@UncleDuke1969: BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
FRIEND: Let's play monsters! I'll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it's a full moon. Don't let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
ME: OH SHIT BILLY