Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : ME: [knocks on ambulance window] PARAMEDIC: Can I help you? ME: Are you carrying a patient? PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment. ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?

@UncleDuke1969: “Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”

@UncleDuke1969: Psychiatrist:
"Tell me about your kids."

Me:
"Total disappointments."

Psychiatrist:
"I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad."

@UncleDuke1969: "Duck..."

"Duck..."

"Duck..."

"Duck..."

"Duck..."

"Duck..."

"Duck..."

"MOOSE!!!"

"Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!"

@UncleDuke1969: Dear Diary,

- I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
- Dad's screwing his assistant.
- My sister's PREGNANT!
- Stop reading my diary, Mom.

@UncleDuke1969: [4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?

@UncleDuke1969: [restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I'm a little grumpy.
ME: It's okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-

[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It's gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.

@UncleDuke1969: [returning from the bakery]

WIFE: [unpacking bag] I thought I asked you for sourdough.
ME: Things went a-rye.

@UncleDuke1969: [restaurant]

ME: I’m meeting my blind date here.
HOSTESS: Do you have reservations?
ME: Yes, but my friend tells me she’s very nice.

@UncleDuke1969: Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.