@UncleDuke1969: MUGGER: Hand over your wallet.
MY DAD: No, no, no. You’re holding the knife all wrong. Ugh, just give me that... and, pull up your damn pants.
@UncleDuke1969: BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
@UncleDuke1969: [runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
@UncleDuke1969: [murder scene]
DETECTIVE: Let's run through the suspects.
DETECTIVE: Who's the most likely?
PARTNER: The husband, for sure.
DETECTIVE: Who else?
PARTNER: Her business partner.
DETECTIVE: And, the least likely?
PARTNER: *shrugs* Tom Hanks, I guess.
@UncleDuke1969: [sets up grandfather's first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa... Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
GRANDPA: WebMD says I'm pregnant.
@UncleDuke1969: [book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: "Origami for Dummies." I want to return it.
@UncleDuke1969: I wasn't allowed to watch "A Charlie Brown Christmas" as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.