Funny Tweeter

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Page of UncleDuke1969's best tweets

@UncleDuke1969 : [loud knocking] “OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!” Me: Prove it. “HOW?” Me: Sing “Roxanne.”

@UncleDuke1969: Waitress: Is this your grandma?

Me: My wife.

Waitress: ...

Me: ...

Waitress: I am SO sorry.

*walks away*

Grandma: Nice one. High five!

@UncleDuke1969: Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.

@UncleDuke1969: (Trump rally)

Trump: I’ll take questions now.

Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?

Trump: More water.

Crowd: *cheers wildly*

@UncleDuke1969: [mall]

Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.

@UncleDuke1969: Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.

@UncleDuke1969: Me: He’s starting to stir!
Wife: Shhhh.
Me: OH MY GOD…
Wife: Be quiet.
Me: HE’S GOT A KNIFE!
Wife: I hate watching cooking shows with you.

@UncleDuke1969: [Heaven]

Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.

@UncleDuke1969: "If you don't let the Jews go, I will find you. I will kill you."

Liam Neeson returns in...

TAKEN 3: SCHINDLER'S PISSED

(Summer 2015)

@UncleDuke1969: Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*