@underchilde: You say you write your best tweets in the shower.
I say you haven’t showered in weeks.
@underchilde: I don’t need to use WebMD because my mother always knows a person who had something similar to me, and she remembers how they got rid of it.
@underchilde: Three Most Insane Extreme Sports:
1. Solo Climbing
2. Running of the Bulls
3. Family Reunions
@underchilde: Me [at work]: I think I’m having a heart attack.
My boss: Do that on your own time!
@underchilde: I was sad nobody would go jogging with me, so I threw a rock at my neighbor, and when he started chasing me I felt much better.
@underchilde: You could probably master Mandarin while waiting on the last bit of laundry detergent to drizzle into the cap.
@underchilde: Do doctors actually use drugs to induce comas or is it just easier if they start talking about golf?
@underchilde: Sometimes I worry my girlfriend will get kidnapped and that reporters will want to talk to me and I won’t be wearing designer jeans.