If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
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Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
Florida mom delivers 14-pound baby after surprise pregnancy .
Florida?? NO PART of this story surprises me.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Me: Hey, do you wanna play Nintendo?
Dad: Actually that’s a Super Nintendo, it’s the newer version improved in practically every way.
Me Got it.
Dad: Where’s mom?
Me: Visiting Super Dad.
I told the 8 clowns in a tiny cop car to “clown arrest me! Take me to clown jail!” And they did. Bail has been set at 150 banana cream pies.
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
Me: Okay, time to get off our bed
Dog: It’s adorable that you think that.
I mistakenly opened a bag of chips and now I have to eat them, so yes, there is such a thing as a fun problem
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
her: what’s your fantasy?
me: i’m fighting a giant dragon and as i defeat it, the dragon burns me to death but i die a hero and the townspeople write epic poems about me
her: … i meant like, sexual fantasy
me: i know *handing her a blowtorch* you’re the dragon
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.
The Dalai Lama prefers quiet restaurants in order to find dinner peace.
Hear me out: a switch blade but instead of sharp metal a meatball sandwich pivots out
I love strippers. They’re awesome. Plus I can’t get my girlfriend to do shit for a dollar.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
Told my wife I’d marry her all over again, and we both understood it would only be to get more gifts.
Why is every haunted place a spooky old house or hotel? If a tragedy occurring at a location leads to a haunting, every Waffle House and bus station in the world would be teeming with spirits.
I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.
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If you call all the priests “daddy” you don’t have to go back to church.
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
My boss said I couldn’t bring my dog into the office so I had to tie him to a tree outside. He’s not happy about it but it’s cool being in the office with my dog.
Me: You know, talking to yourself doesn’t make you crazy.
Me: I know, right?
Me: It’s a sign of advanced intelligence.
Me: High-5.
Me: Word.
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.