Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UnfilteredMama's best tweets

@UnfilteredMama : My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

@UnfilteredMama: My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.

In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”

@UnfilteredMama: What’s parenting 4 kids like so far?
I’ve called the new baby Emily at least 3 times & nobody in our family even has that name.

@UnfilteredMama: Toddler: *babbling nonsense*

Me: Ok, got it!

Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.

@UnfilteredMama: My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”

It’s a rough life.

@UnfilteredMama: My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”

@UnfilteredMama: I’m inventing a swaddle blanket for like 5 year olds. It’s basically a straight jacket, but with a friendly name like “The Tantrum Hug.”

@UnfilteredMama: It’s too bad my sister wasn’t kinder to me in middle school.

**orders nephew a bullhorn for Christmas**

@UnfilteredMama: Friend w/o kids: I'm planning a meditation retreat next month.

Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.

@UnfilteredMama: The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.