Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of UnicornSyrup's best tweets

@UnicornSyrup : I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die. Also, I don't want to be cremated.

@UnicornSyrup: No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.

@UnicornSyrup: Don't say you want a girl who's "funny and spontaneous" if you're gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.

@UnicornSyrup: Kanye West named his kid North. Drake Bell says he'll name his first kid Taco. I think Jessica Biel should name her kid Batmo.

@UnicornSyrup: Whenever people say "anything is possible", I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.

@UnicornSyrup: "I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don't want to start any trouble, but shouldn't that be an even number?"

@UnicornSyrup: This ad says: "3 out of 5 smokers die"

Apparently the other 2 become immortal.

@UnicornSyrup: Just bumped into Gloria Gaynor's ghost!

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.

@UnicornSyrup: My boyfriend wanted a serious relationship so we stopped smiling at each other.

@UnicornSyrup: My teacher always hated my answers to her math questions. "If I have 6 candy bars in one hand and 7 in the other, what do I have?" Diabetes?