coworker: you should try my therapist.
me: i’ve seen their work. no thanks.
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Got the invite to your wedding. Thanks! Sadly, your blatant overuse of illegible, ornate script fonts means I don’t know when or where it is
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”
Crowd: “NEIGH!”
“Jesus Christ.”
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My wife just suggested that we change into something more comfortable, so you know what that means.
Spaghetti night. It’s spaghetti night.
let’s play a round of hopscotch 𝕆ℝ 𝔻𝕀𝔼
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
my wife preps for bed with a routine of reading, aromatherapy & no screen time
i prep for bed by only sleeping 3 hours the night before
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Torturer: I will break you
Me: Do you wear that hood to hide your sadness?
Torturer: *broken* ah hell man I just wanted to be a chef
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
[La Brea Tarpits]
ME: *gesturing for tour members* the stegosaurus was the calzone of dinosaur times
SECURITY: sir, hang on to the life hook or you’ll sink like your Segway
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
When I was younger I also blamed Jewish people for all my problems and thought they were part of a conspiracy to control and ruin my life. Turns out they were just being good parents.
Hey Mexican food restaurant waiter, if the basket is empty you don’t have to ask. YES I WANT MORE CHIPS!
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
Dang, my 250 million year old salt has expired
Thursday
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
Wise advice