DAD: My daughter ran away [hands him old photo]
DETECTIVE: You have a recent photo?
DAD: [shows him 9,674 selfies with the dog filter]
You Might Also Like
MAN: [having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
MAN: [faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh sorry! Doctor, are you ok?!
Yeah yeah that virtual reality stuff is all fun & games til your flailing teen accidentally takes out a light fixture.
I went on WebMD and I either have Covid or I’m getting my period
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
So unfair that I’m banned from Target. The sign said I could take three items into the dressing room and didn’t say one couldn’t be cake.
[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
“My honesty”
“I don’t think-”
“I broke into ur house and made love to ur cat last night”
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Probably the reason planes don’t have horns is that no one could resist how funny it’d be to honk it a bunch as you crash into a mountain
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Because of aquariums I thought I loved marine biology but it turns out I just really like the idea of fish prison.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
couple weeks ago I saw a drunk guy in the crowd at a baseball game enthusiastically chanting “baseball game!” I think about him every day
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
If I was a Spice Girl I would be Mild to Medium Spice
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Waved to my ex today, next time I might use all my fingers
I’ll go first…
Bad Boys. 😏
I’ll bet Waldo owed some people money. You don’t get that good at hiding for no reason.