Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
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Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
What base is it when she takes off your clothes, handcuffs you to the bed and her boyfriend comes in and they steal all your things?
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[gets out of tanning bed with a grilled cheese sandwich]
It is kid law that they will start liking some food and then become more and more obsessed with it until you finally buy it in bulk at Costco at which exact point they will find said food disgusting and want nothing to do with it
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
Gigaflops sounds like a replay of my life
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Paula Hawkins: What should I call my book about a girl on a train?
Publicist: Let’s call the guy who named the movie ‘Snakes On A Plane’.
Sometimes I think how could anyone not want me and then I read my tweets
Her: I think my fathers in jail.
Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
There is no such thing as bad cheese there is only bad people who didn’t eat the cheese fast enough.
I use a “retirement calculator” every morning before I leave for work to make sure I’m on track financially and I only have 1718 years to go
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
ceimr
thats “crime” but in alphabetical order
organized crime
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Capitalism is making me sad so I’m going to buy myself a little something.
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
Throwing things off the table before my cat gets the chance to is one of my favourite past times. Eye contact is imperative for full satisfaction