chore hatred level:
considering becoming a raw food vegan and drinking straight from the garden hose to avoid doing dishes
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[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
[Before 9 was invented]
7: damn I’m hungry
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
9 out of 10 dentists agree that Gary is the most handsome dentist. Gary voted for Brett because he couldn’t vote for himself
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Ariana Grande is what happens if you feed a Bratz doll after midnight.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
The outskirts implies the existence of the inpants.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend