A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
You Might Also Like
Mountain Goat : )
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
“Still too cold… Still too cold…”
“Screw it, I can’t be late again.”
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
This kid’s parent is the WORST at taking pictures lmfaooo
When someone in their 20’s talks about “old people” they’re talking about us.
A Girl Scout made headlines when she sold cookies outside a Colorado pot shop. There’s no word on how she plans to spend her first million.
File under excellent bookstore names.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Mowed the lawn yesterday with my shirt off and this morning there were 50 shirts left on my porch with a sign that said, “Please wear.”
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Nothing good can come out of answering your landline.
For once I’d like to be referred to as The Chosen One but not when I’m being identified in a police lineup.
Person: Hi, my name is *my brain plays 3 seconds of air horn*
Me: I’m sorry, what was that?
Person: I’m *air horn*
Me: Again?
Person:
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
When I die I want a crank on the side of my coffin that plays
“Pop Goes The Weasel ”
just to see who has the guts to turn it. 😅
God: *closes a door*
Kids: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
ME: ur more likely to get hit by lightning than eaten by a shark
SHARK: [biting my torso] today’s your lucky day
ME: *gets hit by lightning*
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ❤️
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.