cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
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[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
I’m not here to offend anyone; I’m here to offend everyone.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
my retirement plan is recording a hit Christmas song, i just need to learn how to sing and write music
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
This is not the inflation I learned about in clown school.
i’m sorry that i bit you, i was trying to flirt
Ordered a pizza. Delivery guy and I talked for 45 minutes about swords and he got fired. Now he lives here, we’re gonna fight crime together
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
pete davidson, pete davidfather, pete davidholyghost
[first date]
me: let’s just say I’ve kissed a lot of frogs
her: to meet your princess?
me: er yeah, whatever you say…
[interview]
THEM: what would you say if i gave you money from the register and told you to keep it?
ME: thank you.
Her: We had the baby! She is 7lbs 3oz, born at 9:08am. We’ll be naming her tomorrow.
Me: Tomorrow is a terrible name for a baby, tbh.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
person sitting next to me on a plane: [nervously] how often do planes crash
me: usually once
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
May god have mercy on the soul of the person who takes this job
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.