Funny Tweeter

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Page of ValeeGrrl's best tweets

@ValeeGrrl : [House Hunters episode] HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

@ValeeGrrl: Answering all my mom's texts today with lyrics from Gangster's Paradise.

@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE

Me:

7yo:

Me: yup

7yo: AWESOME

@ValeeGrrl: Husband: *hacks up lung* I think I'm comin down with something

Me: lol ok whatever

Kid: *tiny cough*

Me: OMG MY POOR BABY COME TO MOMMA

@ValeeGrrl: Taught daughter to make toast & she already knows how to do boxed Mac n cheese so now she's all caught up to my level of culinary prowess.

@ValeeGrrl: I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn't bring me one.

@ValeeGrrl: Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost

@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: MOMMA DO YOU THINK YOU'LL EVER GET A 6-PACK OR ARE YOU JUST GONNA BE FAT

Me: *slowly shreds Pokémon cards w/out breaking eye contact*

@ValeeGrrl: Me: Mistakes my own hair for a spider at least once a day & screams

Also me: [watching Criminal Minds] I could totally be a cop

@ValeeGrrl: My son has a play-date today & the mom said to dress him in holiday colors so he's in all black & I'm telling her we worship the dark lord.