@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?
ME: they're medicinal
@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you
@ValeeGrrl: Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS
ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER
@ValeeGrrl: [at son's Little League game]
ME: which one's yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?
@ValeeGrrl: My neighbor's 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she's protesting but I'm gonna go join her.
@ValeeGrrl: [House Hunters episode]
HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer
WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time
HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K