Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ValeeGrrl's best tweets

@ValeeGrrl : My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is "cuz I'd get to sit down a lot" and I've never felt more related to him.

@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@ValeeGrrl: My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven't made his summer "fun enough" yet so now he's folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@ValeeGrrl: Wonder how long it'll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I'm giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?

ME: they're medicinal

@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@ValeeGrrl: Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER

@ValeeGrrl: [at son's Little League game]

ME: which one's yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?