Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ValeeGrrl's best tweets

@ValeeGrrl : My son can't wait to be a grownup so he can "drink caffeine and say 'shit' all the time" so let's never forget we're pretty much living the dream, you guys

@ValeeGrrl: Apparently when a couple tells you they're pregnant with their 6th kid it's not cool to yell "OMG DUDE GET OFF HER."

@ValeeGrrl: "Oh shit that sounded important," I exclaim as I vacuum and don't stop to investigate but keep on vacuuming.

@ValeeGrrl: Shoutout to moms leaving long birthday notes to their kids on social media when their child is both illiterate and not on social media.

@ValeeGrrl: My son wants to play the cello next year and his reason is "cuz I'd get to sit down a lot" and I've never felt more related to him.

@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating

DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control

ME: ah. no.

@ValeeGrrl: My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven't made his summer "fun enough" yet so now he's folding laundry. In a totally fun way.

@ValeeGrrl: Wonder how long it'll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I'm giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?

ME: they're medicinal

@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you