Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of ValeeGrrl's best tweets

@ValeeGrrl : Wonder how long it'll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I'm giving her are all just types of lettuce?

@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?

ME: they're medicinal

@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!

ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you

@ValeeGrrl: Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.

@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS

ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER

@ValeeGrrl: [at son's Little League game]

ME: which one's yours

OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?

ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field

@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered]

ME: call 911

KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?

@ValeeGrrl: My neighbor's 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she's protesting but I'm gonna go join her.

@ValeeGrrl: [House Hunters episode]

HUSBAND: I'm a freelance hamster trainer

WIFE: And I tune harmonicas part-time

HUSBAND: Our budget is $950K

@ValeeGrrl: Answering all my mom's texts today with lyrics from Gangster's Paradise.