@ValeeGrrl: ME: my husband wears a pair of jorts the week I'm ovulating
DOCTOR: no i meant are you on any form of hormonal birth control
ME: ah. no.
@ValeeGrrl: My son just sat me down to gently explain how I haven't made his summer "fun enough" yet so now he's folding laundry. In a totally fun way.
@ValeeGrrl: Wonder how long it'll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I'm giving her are all just types of lettuce?
@ValeeGrrl: POLICE OFFICER: [frisking me] why do you have chicken nuggets in all your pockets?
ME: they're medicinal
@ValeeGrrl: NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven't heard him eat cereal yet, have you
@ValeeGrrl: Little does the bus driver know, that "I love you" I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
@ValeeGrrl: MY SON: [standing over drawer full of socks] MOMMA I CAN'T FIND ANY SOCKS
ALSO MY SON: [sees one grain of pepper on his chicken] EW PEPPER
@ValeeGrrl: [at son's Little League game]
ME: which one's yours
OTHER MOM: the pitcher. You?
ME: the one performing Lord of the Dance in left field
@ValeeGrrl: [my kids walk in on me being murdered]
ME: call 911
KIDS: ok but then will you get us a snack?