The best way to save money on dental floss is by having your dentist remove every second tooth so your toothbrush fits between the gaps, instead.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
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I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Friend: You can’t believe anything in the papers these days. It’s all fake news.
Me: Even obituaries???
Friend: No, those are rea–
Me: [Already halfway down the street] Great news everyone, grandma’s alive!
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
The most important thing I learned from working at the bank is which lollipop flavor tastes the best.
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
The first of Jay-Z’s 99 problems is the obsessive compulsive disorder that requires him to know his precise number of problems at all times.
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
[at restaurant]
Me: “I’m so hungry I could eat a horse”Wife: “I’m the same”
Horse family at next table: *just sitting very still*
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
Thank god my brother’s getting his PhD, I was running out of ways to disappoint my parents.
Saw a bird at my feeder shit on another bird’s head and that bird just kept right on eating. I’ve never before felt this close to nature.
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
I just declined a mandatory work meeting invite. I am drunk with power.
I can now tell the hour of the day by which part of my body needs a heating pad.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-
A crowd gathered in a circle, yelling “FIGHT FIGHT FIGHT” but in the middle it’s me trying to button my pants
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
*walks in on family gathering*
I AM NOT CLEANING UP ALL OF THIS BLOOD