No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
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You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Oh, you like Five Guys hamburgers more than In-N-Out?
*unfollows
*blocks
*stews
*hires assassin on Craigslist
*unblocks to monitor situation
My hobbies include knitting and leaving one star reviews on recipes when I used different ingredients and different techniqes and it turned out gross.
2-year-old: *points to my belly* Baby!
Me: Yep, there’s a baby in there! Will you love it?
2: I eat it.
Well that escalated quickly.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
[both me and the child chasing me with a knife slow to a walk as we go by the pool]
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
You ever look someone in the eyes and it’s just blank? Like, you can see right into the filing cabinet of their brain and all the drawers are empty
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I remember when it was called “drinking a glass of water” instead of “hydrating.”
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
Saw another story about a missing hiker.
I never went missing sitting at home.