Women do things I can’t even imagine doing: give birth, close cabinet doors, etc.
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[watching Jaws]
Me: Which ones Jaws
Girlfriend: Who do u think?
Me: (noticing all of the characters so far have jaws) Idk its hard 2 tell
My Mexican friend is lactose intolerant. No whey Jose.
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
[using ouija board]
R2…L2….L1….R2…LEFT…DOWN…
“what the hell?”
[everyone is suddenly carrying like 8 different guns]
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY WEDNESDAY?!
Me: It’s Tuesday.
Wife: HOW IS IT ONLY TUESDAY?!
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
Everyone: Look at all of those red flags.
Me: Red is the color of love tho.
Walmart greeters check and barcode returns now before you go on to customer service. So at least two people will know I ended up not needing that maximum strength ex-lax after all.
Good Cop: just give us one name, and we can protect you
Passive Agressive Email Cop: Thank you in advance
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Just won a sausage biscuit at this basketball game. Never give up on your dreams.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
my 18-month old nieces may have gotten a shitton of candy for valentine’s day, but I got something better (a shitton of candy that I have the thumb-strength to open myself, without asking my mom)
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
I’ve been sick with Covid and on heavy medications, which have caused me to have dreams about my high school boyfriend every night for a week. It was worse than the Covid.
According to commercials, a woman’s primary goal in life is to lock in moisture.
*bolts upright in bed..
If there’s 24 hrs in a day how many hrs are in a night?!!?
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Finally found a way to use egregious in a sentence that has nothing to do with it’s meaning