*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
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I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
Please don’t delete your tweet. Yes, it was pretty stupid, but my reply to it was a masterpiece.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
How do you stop babies crying when you drop them? And don’t say ‘garbage disposal’ because that’s jammed now.
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
My financial advisor recommended I join a doomsday cult.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
Nothing like waking to a perfect day – blue sky, sun shining, birds tweeting and the dulcet tones of my children, fighting to the death over a piece of cardboard
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
i’m sure it’s fine, you just gotta shake it up a bit
I hope you don’t feel as bloated as you look.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
I was like, “How many times do I have to repeat myself? I feel like a broken record!”. They were like, “What’s a broken record?”.
Whenever I left a door open, my mum would ask if I was born in a barn, which is odd because you’d think she’d remember something like that.
Welcome to Twitter: it’s high school except we all have gray hair.
if I worked behind some kind of counter, every day I would simply wear a sleeping cap, and have two tip jars, labeled “honk shoo” and “mimimimimi”
I’ve been making my own bread every single day for two weeks now and I finally understand why people always look so miserable in historic photos.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
[drunk text] God I miss you so much. Why can’t we go back to how things were?
OBAMA: How did you get this number?
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
“Ugh, it’s so dark!” *shivers* “And cold! Why is it so huge? It’s, like, jeez, does it go on forever?!”
– Larry, the worst astronaut