Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
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Answering all my mom’s texts today with lyrics from Gangster’s Paradise.
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
[wearing a ‘World’s Greatest Dad’ t-shirt while talking to the bartender]
“The younger one is about 8 and the older one is older than 8.”
Me: Air
Her: Tornado
Me: …
Me: Now you’re just twisting my words around.
Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?
me: at checkers!
teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?
me: we went camping!
teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?
me: yeah, that one I did
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Robert Downey Jr. will always be my hero, not because of Iron Man, but because he broke into someone’s home just to take a nap.
ME (teaching driver’s ed): quick, what did that sign we just passed say?
STUDENT: um
ME: this is important
STUDENT: *reluctantly* McDonald’s, one mile, exit 7A?
ME: good. stay in the right lane and ready your blinker
Mufasa: See that river over there? Simba: Yeah? Mufasa: F*cked so many bitches over there
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
Girl asked me if I wanted to watch a “romcom” so I’m going to assume she means “Roman Combat” and put on Gladiator.
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.