Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Kylo Ren: I can’t read your mind! How are you resisting me?!
Rey: Occlumency lessons from Professor Snape.
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
8 really detests when I use fish sticks to play the drums on her head
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
I love children, especially when they cry and someone takes them away.
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
Pro Tip: You can slap anybody, as hard as you want, as long as you yell “spider” first. They may even thank you.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I remember being about 6 years old and my grandfather did an Easter egg hunt for me and my sister. We looked for hours and found nothing. He later told us it was to teach us a very valuable lesson: Easter is not in November.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
My reality: STOP ARGUING! YOU NEED TO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
People often act like they don’t hear something that is too awful to contemplate which explains the silence I get when I tell someone I like them.
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
I always say I heat up pizza rolls in the oven because they taste better that way but the truth is the amount of them I eat won’t fit in the toaster
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: Sexy nurse!
H: Meet me in the bedroom.
[10 minutes later]
*we both come in wearing nurse costumes*
M: Uh.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Our middle child says we neglect him/her.
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“Four Weddings and a Funeral” is my favorite movie with 25% as many funerals as weddings.