Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of VeganZebra's best tweets

@VeganZebra : WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could've used the word 'bloodthirsty' a little less

@VeganZebra: [Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]

@VeganZebra: Me: Let's go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle

@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has

@VeganZebra: *tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word 'hiccup'*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*

@VeganZebra: Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn't Money

@VeganZebra: *spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong

@VeganZebra: [Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where'd it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help

@VeganZebra: *walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?

@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad*
"I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"