@VeganZebra: [Noah from the Bible is doing laundry and his washer just starts spewing water]
DEBORAH GET THE BOAT
@VeganZebra: Me: Let's go to Chipotle
Justin: Hold on. My leg is asleep
Me: *whispering* Oh, sorry. Let's go to Chipotle
@VeganZebra: [after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
@VeganZebra: *tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word 'hiccup'*
ME: Why did y-
*the tattoo disappears*
@VeganZebra: Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn't Money
@VeganZebra: *spelling bee*
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Judge 2: I mean, he's not wrong
@VeganZebra: [Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where'd it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
@VeganZebra: *walks into IT department attempting to look cool*
You guys torrent any emails lately?
@VeganZebra: *drinking my first beer with my dad*
"I can't believe you made me eat the other ones"