The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
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one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
Girl, are you these plates I recently bought from Wal-Mart? Because I just learned that you’re not microwave-safe.
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
cops at DUI checkpoints should just check to see if u texted ur ex at some point throughout the night
joker: if you kill me, you can save all these people
batman: no, if i kill you, that means that i’m no different from you
joker:
batman:
joker: have you ever heard of the trolley problem
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe
The cure to missing someone is just remembering what an asshole they really were.
Every time I think I’m childproofing by putting something out of reach my toddler is just like, ‘LEVEL UP!’
My german shepard doesn’t like dog food, so we have that in common.
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
Me: must sleep in the correct position on a mattress with the exact right hardness or suffer for 48 hours
cats:
her: i smoked a lot of pot. what did u try in college
me: *crying* MY BEST, OK?
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
You say jump I say how high. You say run I say how fast. You say lets hang out I say no.
Crazy that in 2017 auto-flush toilets still can’t distinguish between someone who’s peeing and someone crouching down to get a sip of water.
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
Them: You need to eat more fresh vegetables!
Me: *going for more freshly baked potatoes* I’m on it!
Me: I hurt my shoulder.
Them: sports related injury?
Me: sports bra related injury.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
[3am]
WIFE: *nudging my shoulder* I can’t sleep, do you wanna…
ME: *suddenly awake*
WIFE: …teach me calculus?
ME: We begin, as we must, with the concept of a derivative