Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of VerbsRProudest's best tweets

@VerbsRProudest : I'm at doc's office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don't want to catch any of the 3.

@VerbsRProudest: To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You're not funny.

@VerbsRProudest: When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can't deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@VerbsRProudest: Sorry I'm late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."

@VerbsRProudest: I have a draft that just says "rhino!" & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@VerbsRProudest: I don't know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.

@VerbsRProudest: I called someone persnickety today. He looked so taken aback. Some people can't handle that kind of hip vibe & powerful sensuality I guess.

@VerbsRProudest: mmmm This chocolate speaks my language. Or it would, if it weren't being eaten. So. I guess it's probably horrified-screaming my language.

@VerbsRProudest: Board Game

10: *reading card* Mama! Name 3 rappers! GO!

Me: Saran, aluminum foil, & cellophane! *beaming*

10: *laughing* OMG!

Me: What?