Funny Tweeter

Your daily dose of unadulterated funny tweets

Page of VerbsRProudest's best tweets

@VerbsRProudest : The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven't seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.

@VerbsRProudest: Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.

@VerbsRProudest: Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y'all just let it happen.

@VerbsRProudest: I'm at doc's office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don't want to catch any of the 3.

@VerbsRProudest: To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:

You're not funny.

@VerbsRProudest: When someone accuses you of being defensive, you can't deny it without sounding defensive. Just hurl a flower pot. No one expects that.

@VerbsRProudest: Sorry I'm late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

@VerbsRProudest: If I could time travel, I'd grab English major me in college & say, "Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class."

@VerbsRProudest: I have a draft that just says "rhino!" & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.

@VerbsRProudest: I don't know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.