Whisper out to librarians!
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my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
“You are what you eat” I whisper to myself as I pour my dead dog’s ashes into my cat’s food bowl
*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
Because I never explained otherwise, my son spent a good stretch of time in his childhood thinking that a vice principal at a school was there in case the principal was assassinated.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
me, alone: [reads a book in my head intelligently]
me, with people: [reads a book out loud like a 5 yo just learning to read]
Now that my whole family is in our house all the time, it’s just nothing but drive-by shushing of each other all day.
The one thing I think most parents need to realize is, there’s absolutely no secrets that your child doesn’t share about you in the classroom.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
What’s the name of that Adam Sandler’s movie were he plays an immature adult?
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
I feel more comfortable in your arms than anywhere else ❤
~Conversations I have with my couch
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
So I’m pounding a few nails in the wall to hang pictures AT THREE PM not in the middle of the night and my neighbor comes in SCREAMING and files a report against me. I hate living on this submarine.
[police station]
“sir you get one phone call.”
[calls 911]
“hello 911 what’s your emergency?”
yeah a bunch of pricks are holding me hostage.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
Sorry I missed your wedding, but Netflix just autoplays the next episode now.