[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
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it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
“daddy I hear footsteps on the roof, it must be Santa”
*checks santa tracker* new zealand? *grabs frying pan and knife* go get in bed, son
*Pearly Gates
St. Peter: No way!
Me as angel: It’s the rules!
SP: But the drugs and sweari-
M: ALL DOGS GO TO HEAVEN!
Snoop: Fo’ Shizzle.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
him: you’re not like other girls
me, at the urinal next to him: how
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
You gotta wet it first, doesn’t work dry. The wetter the better.
-whistling you perverts
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
[getting selected to be on a game show] do you have a satin shirt in a primary color
SON: *first word* momma.
MOM: DID YOU HEAR THAT?
ME: *distracted by the faint song of an ice cream truck*
He never comes down our street.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
ME: *turns around instead of wiping the steam off my bathroom mirror*
SERIAL KILLER BEHIND ME: okay wow way to ruin the moment
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
“I can hear my annoying neighbor crying to Adele’s new song as she throws away her empty, clinking beer bottles.”
– my neighbor
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
me hitting on a model
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
This day in history. 1844. Morse sent the first telegraph message WHAT HATH GOD WROUGHT? to Alfred Vail who replied I AM NOT WEARING PANTS.
hey babe come look at the cat. he looks the same as he always does and hes just sitting there. babe come look. hey come look at the cat
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”